1.
a closed system of toxic waste
that’s me
sending this cooling liquid
around the red hot nuclear fist
and then drinking it
— what nourishes you
makes you sick
said the doctor
talking about my food allergies
but really talking
about me
and my mother
her name popped up on the bank
computer today —
NANCY JANE
and i was there again
at the source
watching the river turn bad
drinking my own salt
if i could
i would eat a gallon of fudge
ice cream
sit back
and watch my head fill up
with clouds
let the rain come
wash it all away
2.
a woman comes in alone
sits in a booth
orders
soup salad cheese sticks
spinach dip and dinner
she eats it all and orders
another dinner
then dessert
the table is too small
for all her dishes
she hunches around them
as if someone might try
to take them away
i can tell by the way she avoids
my eyes
she is ashamed
3.
my brother’s arms are thick
as my legs
all day long he moves
furniture, boxes
in and out of the moving truck
at night he can’t sleep
and he rearranges
his room
all night moving
furniture as if it could change
his life
if only he could get it right
he told me
he had an alcoholic seizure
lying on the couch
fifteen minutes after finishing
an algebra problem
his arms went weak, then numb
he dragged himself off the couch
crawled to my mother’s closed bedroom door
and banged his head on it
until she opened it
looked down and said
— idiot —
4.
“The acts of eating, fasting and vomiting
can easily become symbols
of affection, control and anger.”*
5.
the counselor is talking
about feeling helpless
as a child
the defenses we learn
she says
to be vulnerable
and to be present
is to feel
like you’re going to die
6.
it’s 1976
key largo
holiday inn
and my brother is failing
economics
my mother wants him
to work on his economics paper
so she tells him
she’s selling the house
and moving out of the state
if he doesn’t work on it
NOW
my brother loves
his neighborhood
and his friends
he’s just lost
his father
and this is all her has
i watch my brother
walk to the wall
and bang his head
over and over
it is like watching myself
7.
textbook:
“. . . never having been approved of
as children; never having been rewarded;
never having had the satisfaction
of having an impact on their world;
never having received a consistent,
freely given, unconditional
love. Most of what they have known
is rejection.”**
8.
my father has a triple
heart bypass
they release him
with a set of instructions —
no alcohol
for three weeks —
i laugh —
think you can do it?
he scowls, gruff —
of course i can
he stays with me for one week
eating fudge ice cream
drinking creamed and sugared coffee
constantly
manic, grinning
typing his novel on the back porch
he says —
i feel
GREAT
after one week
he wants to go home
we stop at the store
he picks up
two gallons of wine
9.
my brother calls
says my mother wants
to kill him
he’s afraid
for his life
asks me what to do
i tell him
to lock himself in his room
he says
can’t you think of anything better
than that?
she’s got a razor blade
in the kitchen
10.
last night my boyfriend was angry
he told me
as long as i loved someone
who neglected and abused me
someone who didn’t love me
i would stay sick
he was talking about my mother
i said — then do you love me?
he wouldn’t answer
this morning
i was born
into my feelings
my arms around his neck
i said —
you have to love me
because i’m beginning to be attached
to you
he said —
okay
11.
my brother is in the bathroom
throwing up
my mother yells —
you’re not throwing up
in the sink
are you?
you better not be throwing up
in the sink
don’t you clog up
the sink
my brother remembers our family
as happy and normal
he says he was a holy terror
who got away with murder
my mother remembers our family
as happy and normal
when i ask how much
my father hit my brother
she says —
every chance he got
tonight my brother drinks
half a jar of instant coffee
then all night opens
and closes the door
going out to 7-11
for beer
the next night
when mother and i go out to the movies
she’s terrified to leave
my brother alone
she thinks he’ll commit
suicide
12.
i dream that i see
two potent layabout young men
stab a woman to death
i hear her screams
now i have to leave
taking nothing of my old life
not my car or my name or my mastercard
i have to leave before they find me
and kill me too
13.
i know what it’s like
to be a young woman in an old city
to hear my skull crack
on the cement of the night vacant
parking lot
to ride the city bus with the bruise growing
in my face
i know what it’s like
to be a child
watching the bruises blooming
red and maroon and purple and black
all over my ass
in the mirror over my pink
skirted dressing table
flowers the size of my father’s hand
i know how to feel nothing
even as i tell you
even as you sob
into the image i’ve given you
and if you hit me
don’t think
i won’t hit you back
don’t think
i won’t be ready
for the fight
14.
not to be seen
not to be heard
never to be known
as a child
my father says —
shape up or ship out
15.
now my brother stands over
my mother with his bulk
and his volume
demanding
TWO DOLLARS NOW
she’s in the corner
asks —
what do you want it for?
louder, he says —
JUST GIVE ME THE TWO DOLLARS
I FINISHED MY FINAL
I WANT TWO DOLLARS
she squeaks out
a defiant
NO
i watch her
NO
crumble and shatter
i watch her scurry
for the money
after he drinks
the can of bush beer
and throws it up
he’s nice
Wendy Shaffer
*When Food is a Four Letter Word
Paul Haskew and Cynthia Adams
**Grown-Up Abused Children
James Leehan, Laura Pistone Wilson
very powerful stuff / it insists you ‘sob into the image’